[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
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Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.