[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
You Might Also Like
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
it takes so much energy
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well