(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
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I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate