Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

Mapping America’s Far Right

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing