Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

⚠️ Important Reminder:

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

Good lord

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?