Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

I’m having an out of money experience.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

I beg you to euthanise me

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

Its true…

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.