[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!