Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”