Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

moms in horror movies

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

Facebook memories be like

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

A choir of Spring onions

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.

My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet