Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

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