Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter