[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
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[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.