[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
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“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Interior design 👌
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
This one’s “Alex”.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
How your email finds me
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.