Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

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Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

dog: [brings sticks inside]

me: no that belongs outside

me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]

dog: what the actual shit is this

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Another interesting #factupdates post!

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.

Probably.

If I can just remember where the hell…

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.