Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

I put the hot in psychotic.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Note to self: always read the final line

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house