Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
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[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
😲 WTF? 😆
Running from your problems is cardio .
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
A new level of troll.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?