Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread![]()
You Might Also Like
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.