Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

12. I think about this all the damn time

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.