Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

“Would library staff like training on potential future applications of AI?” my dude I’m still waiting for someone to show me how to use our payroll software

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:

Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together