Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

when there are deer in the woods

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.