[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD