[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Got ya covered
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Plant care tips
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.