[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
The funk soul brother
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Reporter: *ports again*
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
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