[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
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My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Mummies are just super modest zombies
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes