[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
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Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
me: my friends:
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears