[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Oh. My. God.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these