Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

⚠️ Important Reminder:

For real 🤣

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.