Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.