Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.