Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

THE DOG😭😭💀

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.