[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
they really do be looking like this
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
North and South
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Xylophonist Shredding It