[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
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Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life