Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

I’m about to risk it all

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52

Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?

Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.