Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Happy Friday

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

We made a comic about a space heater.

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”