Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

23. the denim jacket

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

North and South

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Check out the legs on this baby

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it