Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

wtf management?!

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit