Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video