[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
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Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Spring cleaning checklist…
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B