Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

[Being chased by killer]

Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

dutch is not a serious language

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.