Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.