Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…