Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”

Actually I am.

“WHAT”

APRIL FOOLS!

“Whew”

I’m technically a serial killer.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

The options really are this bad

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

Finally a use for spoilers…

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

You got this…

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”