Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

🤣✨#caturday

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.