Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
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Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.