[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke


Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.


[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark


Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.


INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired


God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )


Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.


[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here


Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.