[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Florida be like…
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.