Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.