Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

choose your gary

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.

Some of you would be empty calories.

[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it