Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!