[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
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GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.