Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Who knew!

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant

my first day as a raccoon

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then