Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before