(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
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Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
twitter users today:
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.