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[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Bring back the McRib
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him