[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
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Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.