Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

Science memes

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

🤣😂🤣😂

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?

These 3D printers are insane!