Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

why is everyone yelling about nude ears

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

he’s doing your taxes

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.