Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.