Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.