[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
You Might Also Like
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.