[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
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This fish is cracking me up
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Put a ring on it
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap