[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
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My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I hope Alan is OK
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Comparing yourself to others
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69