[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
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*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Finally
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”