[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
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*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?