[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Spa day..😅
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Merica.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet