Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.