[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
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Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
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Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Me :
All Day At Night
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
The glory of fall.
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I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.