[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
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realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I am also baked goods
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?