*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
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In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Customize Your Wedding.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care