Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

Just a reminder, folks:

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?