Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”