[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
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Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*