[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
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DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
ACED my prostate exam!
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary