Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

Body by sandwich.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

damn he’s good

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.